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Goddamned Freaky Monsters

Author: Rick Gualtieri
Publisher:
ISBN: 9781940415215
Size: 64.51 MB
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There are reasons we fear the night. Now he's trying to stop them. Three months have passed since the fateful encounter in New York City that ended with the disappearance of Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire. Now he's back - reawakened halfway across the globe with no allies, clothing, or clue as to how he got there. The only thing he's certain of is that his captors plan to use him for their own nefarious ends and don't care how much blood they spill in the process. Escape might be the least of his worries, though. Civilization teeters on the brink of chaos. Mythical beasts, once thought the stuff of fantasy, are breaking through the veil, intent on waging war against mankind. At their forefront stands an ancient evil, the last remnant of a people thought long dead, and it's about to cut a swath of destruction through the world not seen since biblical times. Bill's only chance is to reclaim his life, reconcile with his friends, and muster every bit of attitude he can - because if he fails, Hell on Earth will become far more than just a corny saying.

Bill The Vampire

Author: Rick Gualtieri
Publisher: Westmarch Publishing
ISBN: 1940415012
Size: 72.87 MB
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There are reasons we fear the night. He's not one of them. Bill Ryder was a dateless geek, slacking his way aimlessly through life right up until the day he was killed. Unfortunately for him, that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke as a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Sadly, fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain. Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier, and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, most of them want him dead - permanently this time. Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit. Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off - even if it gets his teeth kicked in. ---------- Bill The Vampire, book one in The Tome of Bill series, is a foul-mouthed horror comedy with a nasty overbite. ********** Welcome to the Tome of Bill series - an urban fantasy world aimed at bringing the vampire genre back from the dark brooding crypt it's slept in these past several years. It's time to make the undead fun again. This is the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, D&D playing programmer who, much to his dismay, learns firsthand that vampires and other monsters are real. There's just one problem: despite the danger, he can't bring himself to take the supernatural world all that seriously. Action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs follow at he traverses the dark underworld of these bloodthirsty immortals. Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them. The Tome of Bill currently includes: Bill the Vampire (book 1) Scary Dead Things (book 2) The Mourning Woods (book 3) Holier Than Thou (book 4) Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5) Half-a-Prayer (book 6) The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of this horror comedy series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process. ********** Tips for Surviving All Those Damned Vampires* by Rick Gualtieri Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for pretty good fantasy. There's just one small problem. Actually getting your throat torn out by a ravenous creature of the night is a wee bit less glamorous than Hollywood would have you believe. Here are my tips for avoiding a gruesome fate at the hands of the undead. Avoid being where vampires are. Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover the basics first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they fork the sign of the evil eye at strangers. Note: this shouldn't be confused with avoiding places where the patronage are sporting sparkly makeup and false fangs. You may wish to stay out of those spots as well, mind you, but for entirely different reasons. Carry a vampire slaying kit. Much like burglars avoid houses guarded by angry Dobermans, most vamps prefer easy meals over folks sporting weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Thus, you should never leave home without: wooden stakes, crucifix, holy water, crossbow, machete, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (bonus - also handy for werewolves). Hold on there, Jethro, won't most of that stuff get me arrested? Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a psych evaluation and maybe a few nights in jail or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness? Yeah, that's what I thought. It's up to you to decide if you're gonna man up because otherwise just pour some barbeque sauce on your neck and get it over with. Don't rely on garlic. For vampires anyway. Though a tasty ingredient, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. Most will steal it for later use in a marinara sauce and then just bite you anyway. Also, running around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way to get labeled as a weirdo, ensuring you get ignored by everyone - except maybe the vampires chasing you. Running water is a fool's errand. Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vamp is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Streams, creeks, or swimming pools, though, aren't gonna do much except maybe get a vampire wet. This will do nothing to help your cause, unless maybe you have some fetish for being killed by a damp vampire. Hey, we don't judge. Only go out during the day. Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having all sorts of fun at parties, clubs, concerts and the like, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit at home, locked up tight and surrounded by anti-vampire paraphernalia. Yeah, a so-called significant other might occasionally insist that you take them out to dinner or a movie, but don't be fooled. They may very well be thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy fate at the hands of their vampire overlords. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere. *legal disclaimer - don't actually do this!!! ---------- Keywords: urban fantasy,paranormal fantasy,horror comedy,hilarious stories,funny books,contemporary fantasy series magic,vampire series,vampires,vampire comedy,vampires fiction,comedy series,geek humor,gamer humor,alpha master vampire,fiction novels,fantasy ebooks,comedy vampires,underworld,supernatural stories,undead,zombies,superhero,superheroes,unlikely heroes,underdog heroes,new york,manhattan,brooklyn

Holier Than Thou

Author: Rick Gualtieri
Publisher: Westmarch Publishing
ISBN: 1940415101
Size: 49.40 MB
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There are reasons the undead fear the night... Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - has woman troubles. The girl he wants is deadly to him. The girl who wants him is deadly to everyone else. He's trapped in the most lethal love triangle he can imagine and it's only going to get worse. On the eve of war, The Icon - ancient foe of the vampire race - has arisen. Panic is about to break out within the undead ranks and Bill is caught smack dab in the middle of it. Destiny has placed them on a cataclysmic collision course, but there's just one small catch: he's in love with her. Now he finds himself in a race against supernatural assassins to save the person who's fated to destroy him. Talk about being damned if you do... Unsure of his allies and outnumbered by enemies, Bill must dig deep within himself and find the faith to succeed - because if he fails, it'll be more than just his social life in tatters. ------------------ Holier Than Thou, book four in The Tome of Bill series, is a foul-mouthed paranormal dance with death, destiny, and trying to get a date. ------------------ Welcome to the fourth book in my Tome of Bill urban fantasy series. This series is about a geeky gamer who finds himself thrust into a world of magic, monsters, and assorted other horrors - most of whom want him dead. Looking for brooding heroes pining for lost love? Well, I'm afraid you should seek your reading pleasure elsewhere. The hero of these stories, Bill Ryder, is much more likely to spend his days wondering whether Captain Picard could beat Gandalf the Grey in a battle of wits - all while throwing out caustic one-liners at the creatures dragging the world to Hell around him. What better way to combat the forces of evil than with a quick wit and sarcastic attitude? I have a lot of fun writing these stories. I very much hope you enjoy them. The Tome of Bill currently includes: Bill the Vampire (book 1) Scary Dead Things (book 2) The Mourning Woods (book 3) Holier Than Thou (book 4) Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5) Half A Prayer (book 6) Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process. ---------- Keywords: urban fantasy,paranormal fantasy,horror comedy,hilarious stories,funny books,contemporary fantasy series magic,vampire series,vampires,vampire comedy,vampires fiction,comedy series,geek humor,gamer humor,alpha master vampire,fiction novels,fantasy ebooks,comedy vampires,underworld,supernatural stories,undead,zombies,superhero,superheroes,unlikely heroes,underdog heroes,new york,forbidden love,templar,faith,chosen one,paranormal romance

Scary Dead Things

Author: Rick Gualtieri
Publisher: Westmarch Publishing
ISBN: 1940415144
Size: 36.66 MB
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There are reasons we fear the night. He STILL isn't one of them. Bill Ryder, the trash-talking undead geek from Bill the Vampire, is back and about to find himself in a whole new world of side-splitting insanity. One of the most powerful vampires on the planet has given Bill a death sentence. Meanwhile, an immortal princess wants him for an entirely different purpose, one which makes his first issue seem almost preferable. All the while, new and powerful forces have begun to emerge from the shadows around him. Are they friend or foe? Knowing his luck, do you even have to ask? Bill's only hope is to marshal his friends, master his powers, and somehow prove that he's the scariest dead thing of them all. ------------- Scary Dead Things, book two in The Tome of Bill series, is a foul-mouthed horror comedy with an attitude the size of Brooklyn. ------------- This is book 2 in the Tome of Bill horror comedy series. Forget all of those brooding vampires, pining for lost love as they whine about it for centuries. It's time to make the undead fun again. Welcome to the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, sharp-tongued geek who just can't take the supernatural world too seriously. It's action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs. If you're a fan of Army of Darkness or Shaun of the Dead then you're in the right place. Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them. The Tome of Bill currently includes: Bill the Vampire (book 1) Scary Dead Things (book 2) The Mourning Woods (book 3) Holier Than Thou (book 4) Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5) Half A Prayer (book 6) Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process.

The Mourning Woods

Author: Rick Gualtieri
Publisher: Westmarch Publishing
ISBN: 1940415128
Size: 22.74 MB
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Vampires versus Bigfoot - winner takes all. Bill Ryder: undead geek, dateless dweeb, and legendary vampire is back in his wildest adventure yet. A war is brewing between ancient enemies from the dawn of time. If it can't be stopped, the veil will be lifted and all of humanity's darkest nightmares will be unleashed to wreak havoc. Bill and his friends are the only chance we have...Lord help us all! The vampire nation dispatches Bill to a faraway land to broker peace, but it's not going to be easy. His enemies want him dead. Hell, some of his allies do too. Danger lurks at every turn and in places where he least expects it. Now he must rely on his friends, master his fledgling powers, and use every four-letter word in his arsenal to stop the war, uncover the conspiracy, and solve the mystery that lies at the heart of the Mourning Woods. ------------- The Mourning Woods, book three in The Tome of Bill series, is a foul-mouthed paranormal adventure that will leave your funny bone feeling like it's been trampled by an angry moose. ------------- This is book 3 of the Tome of Bill horror comedy series and it brings together two of my all time favorite monsters: Vampires and Sasquatch. It's an all out bloody brawl in the woods of northern Canada to determine the fate of the world. Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them. The Tome of Bill currently includes: Bill the Vampire (book 1) Scary Dead Things (book 2) The Mourning Woods (book 3) Holier Than Thou (book 4) Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5) Half A Prayer (book 6) Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process. ---------- Keywords: urban fantasy,paranormal fantasy,horror comedy,hilarious stories,funny books,contemporary fantasy series magic,vampire series,vampires,vampire comedy,vampires fiction,comedy series,geek humor,gamer humor,alpha master vampire,fiction novels,fantasy ebooks,comedy vampires,underworld,supernatural stories,undead,zombies,superhero,superheroes,unlikely heroes,underdog heroes,canada,bigfoot,sasquatch,cryptids,grendel,alma,yeti

Lycan Moon

Author: Rick Gualtieri
Publisher:
ISBN: 9781974494576
Size: 64.31 MB
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Rowan Sinclair has trained for a life in the shadows. As a member of the Guild, she's vowed to mercilessly hunt werewolves or die trying. But when one approaches her, claiming to know her missing father's fate, she decides to do the unthinkable - work with one of the very monsters she's sworn to destroy. Dean Mason is a man living with a curse, doing whatever he can to keep the beast inside from sating its bloodlust under the light of the full moon. When a chance meeting offers a tantalizing glimpse of a potential cure, he'll do anything to end the nightmare. Now destiny has united these two predators, each possessing the key to something the other desperately needs. Their partnership will lead to either their salvation or mutual destruction in this urban fairy tale where there's no such thing as happily ever after. ********** A dark urban fantasy. Lycan Moon is book 1 of the Lycan Evolution Series by Rick Gualtieri and Ruby Cruz.

Bigfoot Hunters

Author: Rick Gualtieri
Publisher: Westmarch Publishing
ISBN: 1940415160
Size: 19.56 MB
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When Harrison Kent suggests an outing to the dense forests of Colorado, his friends are all eager for a few days of fun and adventure. What awaits them, though, is far more than they ever bargained for. They learn that Sasquatch is real, but these are not the shy creatures that legends speak of. A madness has claimed them, erasing their once peaceful nature and leaving in its place a ravenous horde of monsters that's about to descend upon the unsuspecting residents of a remote town. The woods hold more than one secret, however. A low budget reality show is filming in the area and they have information that could even the odds. It's a desperate last stand against bloodthirsty beasts, but if Harrison and his friends can survive long enough, they might just be able to reclaim mankind's place atop the food chain. ---------- If you love gory monster rampages then don't miss this thrilling adventure. **************** Jaws scared people away from the beaches. I want Bigfoot Hunters to make you afraid of your own backyard. Bigfoot Hunters could be called a labor of twisted love. It combines my fascination with cryptozoology, my love of shows dealing with it - such as: Destination Truth and MonsterQuest - and my enjoyment of a good monster rampage. I had a ton of fun writing this story. I sincerely hope you get as much enjoyment reading it. ---------- Keywords: Bigfoot, sasquatch, yeti, cryptid, cryptozoology, giant ape, monsters, extinct prehistoric, thriller, suspense horror, adventure, urban fantasy, thrilling exhilarating books, novels for adults, murder killings, kill, mythology folk lore, scary stories, campfire tales, legends camping, rabies, rampage, isolated unsuspecting townfolk, government agencies, men in black, hidden agenda, reality show, crypto hunter, hunting, college, bigfoot hunters, last stand, pursued, bloody gory rampage, rednecks,terror

The Wicked Dead

Author: Rick Gualtieri
Publisher:
ISBN: 9781519750389
Size: 30.17 MB
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There are reasons we fear the night. Now he must become one of them .Bill Ryder has a powerful destiny. He just never expected it to involve an amnesiac bloodsucker, a bunch of D&D dorks, and a hormonal witch. It's time for the gamer, geek, and legendary vampire to embrace his fate. Ordered to storm the vampire stronghold in Boston, Bill must approach the doorstep of the invincible undead warlord he's destined to face. It's his only chance of stopping Armageddon. As his enemies stand in his way and his allies falter, the vicious beast inside of him wants out. If he stands tall and faces his fate, the world might just have a chance of surviving. If he fails, an unquenchable evil will destroy everything Bill knows and loves. Why can't the end of the world ever be easy? The Wicked Dead is the seventh book in the Tome of Bill saga, a series of foul-mouthed horror comedies with a nasty overbite. If you like bloody fight scenes, geeky in-jokes, and breakneck-paced action, then you'll love Rick Gualtieri's latest installment in the perfect vampire series for the 21st century adult. Buy The Wicked Dead to watch the nerdy vamp fight for his life today!

Miss Peregrine S Home For Peculiar Children

Author: Ransom Riggs
Publisher: Quirk Books
ISBN: 1594745137
Size: 20.44 MB
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The #1 New York Times Best Seller is now a major motion picture from visionary director Tim Burton, starring Eva Green, Asa Butterfield, Ella Purnell, Samuel L. Jackson, and Judi Dench. Bonus features • Q&A with author Ransom Riggs • Eight pages of color stills from the film • Sneak preview of Hollow City, the next novel in the series A mysterious island. An abandoned orphanage. A strange collection of very curious photographs. It all waits to be discovered in Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, an unforgettable novel that mixes fiction and photography in a thrilling reading experience. As our story opens, a horrific family tragedy sets sixteen-year-old Jacob journeying to a remote island off the coast of Wales, where he discovers the crumbling ruins of Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. As Jacob explores its abandoned bedrooms and hallways, it becomes clear that the children were more than just peculiar. They may have been dangerous. They may have been quarantined on a deserted island for good reason. And somehow—impossible though it seems—they may still be alive. A spine-tingling fantasy illustrated with haunting vintage photography, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children will delight adults, teens, and anyone who relishes an adventure in the shadows. “A tense, moving, and wondrously strange first novel. The photographs and text work together brilliantly to create an unforgettable story.”—John Green, New York Times best-selling author of The Fault in Our Stars “With its X-Men: First Class-meets-time-travel story line, David Lynchian imagery, and rich, eerie detail, it’s no wonder Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children has been snapped up by Twentieth Century Fox. B+”—Entertainment Weekly “‘Peculiar’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. Riggs’ chilling, wondrous novel is already headed to the movies.”—People “You’ll love it if you want a good thriller for the summer. It’s a mystery, and you’ll race to solve it before Jacob figures it out for himself.”—Seventeen

The Last Coven

Author: Rick Gualtieri
Publisher:
ISBN: 9781542868860
Size: 47.90 MB
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There are reasons we fear the night. He might finally be one of them. A goddess returned, a war between primal powers, and a prophecy to fulfill. That's a lot of crap to heap on anyone's plate, much less a former game programmer from Brooklyn. But that's exactly what Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - has to deal with. Half his friends are missing and those that are left are mired in chaos. Sadly, Armageddon isn't about to give them a breather. The White Mother, a vile evil from the distant past, is amassing her forces to exterminate all who stand in her way - be they human, vampire, or other. Bill and his buddies need to find a way to stop her, while also keeping the other supernatural factions from tearing the world asunder. It's finally time for Bill to master his powers, sort out his relationship woes, and figure out how to survive his date with destiny. Because if he can't get his act together, the curtain will fall and mankind will be forever plunged into everlasting darkness. ---------- The Last Coven is the grand finale of the bestselling Tome of Bill saga, an urban fantasy series with a nasty overbite. If you like gory fight scenes, dorky humor, and Bigfoot-sized action, then you'll love Rick Gualtieri's latest installment in this kick-butt vampire series for the 21st century adult. Buy The Last Coven to watch this geeky vamp fight for the fate of the world today!